Today marks one week of the breakup. I haven't even really decided if it's something I want to blog about, but really it's going to be something that's going to consume me for a while. I don't have any regrets, if that's where you think this post is going. I just feel like I'm in limbo. I'm not quite sure how to act, or what to do.
I'm back to being single. Uno. Solo. Un. One. I didn't really feel anything about the situation until right now. When I broke up with my longterm boyfriend (Gord) of four years, I immediately started dating Dave; I never had that 'mourning' period. I feel like now those two relationships are kind of blended into one and I'm left with all of these really weird memories about two very different people. Both of them were part of my life for a substantial amount of time; enough for me to have different likes, dislikes, opinions and ideas.
It probably doesn't help that I'm listening to the XX. It's funny how certain songs, or certain bands can define a relationship, or a person. Am I ever going to be able to listen to certain songs without a memory popping into my head? Have I ever really been able to listen to The Tragically Hip without thinking about the time Gord and I sung New Orleans Is Sinking in a pub in Chiliwack? Probably not.
I can tell that I've matured. I can step out of myself (metaphorically, of course) and evaluate who I am as a girlfriend, and who I am as myself. I was talking to one of my friends this afternoon about my dating history and he couldn't believe someone my age has essentially only had longterm relationships.
I guess the Gord breakup was easy because I had Dave to help me get over it. As an independent woman, I've let myself become a dependant person. Again, I'm not regretting anything. I was so far gone mentally out of my relationship with Dave near the end that I don't physically miss him.
Ultimately, I have to learn again how to be alone and a lot of that has to do with me getting myself on track. I'm pleased to say I have my alarm clock set for 5:15 am for tomorrow morning. I'm going to the gym. I think me feeling self conscious about myself, specifically my body, is something that will hold me back in finding absolute happiness.
I just spent the past hour going through my closet, wardrobe and dresser getting rid of clothes. A lot of those clothes were spontaneous purchases on not-so-great days. I'm planning on doing a no-spend September, and I think me cleaning out my closet will push me in a good direction. Come October, I know I'll be a healthier, thinner, happier person and I'll be ready to buy clothes I feel good about.
I'm a yo-yo dieter/worker-outter (is that even a word?) I go hard for a few weeks, and can easily lose weight/inches and then something will happen that will push me off track. I'm going to use a few people as inspiration. My friend Annamaija went through a bad breakup, and instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for herself, she lost a bunch of weight, became vegan, practiced yoga, went on a lot of adventures and took chances. She is extraordinary in so many ways. My brother and his girlfriend had a really weird breakup that occurred right before their 4 year anniversary. He hasn't really talked about it, and I respect his privacy. Rather than being upset, or binging on ice cream, he went to the gym at BCIT every day before school, lost weight and gained inches (his arms and chest are HUGE!)
I'm interesting to look at naked. I have a bunch of beautiful permanent art, and I've been blessed with a flat stomach (I'm not saying I have abs, because I don't, but I don't have a gut, and that I'm thankful for). I have curves and freckles in unique places. I don't like that my thighs touch. I don't like that my pelvic bones aren't visible anymore or that my collarbone doesn't protrude out like it once did. I'm not going to get myself wrapped up in a number like I did in high school, because that ended terribly. I'm going to focus on how I feel after a workout, or while I'm food prepping for the week.
I ate eggs benny for breakfast and I feel like shit for it. I didn't finish it, and I guess that will be my saving grace. I'm going back to oatmeal and smoothies for breakfast, salads for lunch and little to no carbs. I can do this. I have to do this. I will do this. If I don't want to look at myself naked, who will?
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